Hello there, if this is your first time on this “platform” did da baby dancing to “Dreams” by The Cranberries get you here? If so, you’re in for a letdown, go back to mindlessly scrolling to TikTok or being real on #BeReal. If you’re a subscriber or regular reader please ignore this tomfoolery. I’m just out here trying to establish a Gen Z base in the Tri-State but forewarning next week is about to be even more ridiculous (I’m already cringing). Now without further ado, we have our second mailbag from a loyal subscriber, Dave Thomas of Lake Tahoe, so let’s get right into it…
Whaddup Tom,
What are your thoughts on Troy Aikman’s “take the dresses off” comment he made on that gobshite call? @bylindsayhjones tweeted, “Hey, we can think the roughing calls are bad and also not use misogynistic language.” Isn’t Mrs. Jones insinuating that men can’t wear dresses? What about bagpipers and that summer of man rompers? Men still can’t wear dresses in 2022? Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales, is that normal? Anyway, what do you think of the NFL officiating? P.S. You went 5 for 16 last week on your picks, you’re pathetic.
Truly yours,
Dave Thomas
Well, Dave, that mailbag was heavy and you’re putting me in a tough spot with half this blog’s newsletter’s demographic. I’m going to sidestep addressing the dress comment you made - we don’t all own Airbnbs on Lake Tahoe and some of us have 401k’s that we would like to see to fruition in another lifetime eventually. Whatever you and Mr. Jones do alone, that’s none of my business bruv.
While I don’t want to speak for Troy Aikman, it sounds like he was referencing Jack Lambert's “QBs should put dresses on them” quote from a different era. It may not have been the most politically correct way of going about it but it might actually get the point across. In my humble and moronic opinion, the NFL officiating committee should give credence to Aikman’s sentiment. If the 1997 Walter Payton Man of the Year, 3x Super Bowl Champion, and Hall of Fame Dallas Cowboy QB whose career was cut short by the age of 34 due to concussions thinks the officials should let the boys play, maybe they should listen…
…but then again what the hell do I know - I’m just the only clown you know posting an animated baby dancing to “Dreams” by The Cranberries for Substack page views the week after going 5 for 16 on picks last week…
MLB Divisional Round Weekend
New York (AL) vs. Cleveland
In an ideal playoff format, the Yankees would’ve played Game 2 on Wednesday night in the crisp New York fall weather. Instead, we (they) got pushed until this afternoon. I wrote this last night (Thursday) so I have no idea how tomorrow afternoon or this weekend will go. Half of NY will be on pins and needles either for or against the Pinstripes. Game 1, Harrison Bader, set the comeback tone with a solo blast in the #9 hole. Batting before #99 should really help Bader in seeing good pitches to hit and he doesn’t generally walk much; pitchers will have to throw Bader strikes and he gets out swinging at pitches that would be called balls.
Not to harp on the weather postponement but this will have an effect on the rest of this series. If this series were to extend past Game 3, things could get dicey in terms of who to start for both teams. Had Cortes been able to pitch Tuesday or Wednesday night, he would for sure be able to go Game 5 if necessary after Cole on Game 4. Now he would be limited because he’d only be on two days’ rest. For the Yankees’ sake I really hope this doesn’t have to happen and they sweep, but if they are up 2-1 do you pitch Cole Game 4 or save him for Game 5? I would think Taillon and German will have to give this team multiple innings, would it make sense to go with them and then have Cole/Cortes in an elimination game? It should be illegal to have this large of an unnecessary gap in between playoff baseball, it’ll be over 60 hours in between Game 1 and 2 - as a fan, these are the types of hypotheticals you start to think about for no reason.
*Added Post Game 2 at the bottom.*
Houston vs. Seattle
Kate Upton’s husband was roughed up in Game 1, allowing 6 runs up in 4 innings. Despite the shaky start for Houston, they were able to rally back behind the home runs of Alex Bregman and Yordan Alvarez. Yesterday the Astros were able to take a 2-0 lead in a win over Luis Castillo where Alvarez hit another game-decider. The only hope for Seattle now is that they will be hosting their first playoff game since 2001 (bet most Seamheads still think it’s called Safeco Field - it’s T-Mobile Park now).
Los Angeles (NL) vs. San Diego
While the Yankees had a dragon interrupt their game, the Dodgers had a pitch invader of their own. A Greater White-Fronted Goose made its way onto the diamond. This species of bird migrates at night and the bright lights of LA must’ve disoriented this poor fella. Back to baseball, Blake Snell (8-10, 3.38 ERA) will take the mound in San Diego against Tony Gonsolin (16-1, 2.14 ERA). Can the Padres taking 1 of 2 in Hollywood be enough to strike fear in a 111-win team or will the team whose name originated in 1896 as the Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers prevail?
Atlanta vs. Philadelphia
There is a certain segment of NY that doesn’t want to hear about this series at all so we’ll just carry along to football…
Week 6 Picks
Warped Logic: Week 6, ‘22
Thursday Night
Washington Commanders @ Chicago Bears
Did anybody else play Brian Robinson in fantasy after it was announced it he would be getting his first career start? The Many Man debut last week guaranteed a touchdown this week. They shaped the whole game’s narrative off of his comeback narrative, the rest of the game was pretty dull. If you haven’t heard already, Robinson was shot in the leg twice in a car-jacking attempt in D.C. and has fully recovered enough to play in an NFL game in less than two months. The rookie running back from ‘Bama scored the game-winner. What is your excuse?
Something in the orange helmets the Bears were capping made them look like Jack-O-Lanterns. Grab job marketing for Halloween, Roger. Put me down next week for 24-16 Cardinals with Deandre Hopkins scoring a touchdown in next week’s comeback storyline.
1 PM Slate
Baltimore Ravens @ New York Giants
I’m just having trouble with the idea that the Giants could be 5-1. NYG HC, Brian Daboll, has got his group of men to buy into what he’s selling. Are we finally seeing a coach under Bill Belichick’s coaching tree pan out? Daboll already has Head Coach of the Year buzz as he became the first Giant coach since Tom Coughlin to start his tenure with the team 4-1. Lamar Jackson tho.
Prediction: 26-16 BAL (-5 BAL & Under 43.5)
New York Jets @ Green Bay Packers
As quick as everybody is to yell out “Same Old Jets”, it may be time to take a look at their young core: Zach Wilson (23), Breece Hall (21), Alijah Vera-Tucker (23), Michael Carter (23), Garrett Wilson (22), Elijah Moore (22), Sauce Gardner (22), Quinnen Williams (24), DJ Reed (25), and Jermaine Johnson (23). Of course, everything will probably come down to Zach Wilson’s play, but I’ll reiterate my point that he only needs to play like how Kristin Cavallari’s ex-husband did at 23 years old for the Jets to compete in every game. “They’ve only beaten backup QBs and rookies making their debuts.” Indeed that is true, but you don’t apologize for how your schedule plays out and that whole narrative can change real quick with a solid showing in Lambeau against Rodgers. This is the first year in almost a decade where it’s mid-October I’m not already starting mock drafts for May 2023. (NFL Throwback)
Prediction: 30-24 NYJ (+7.5 NYJ & Over 46.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts
The Real Sunshine of the NFL really needs to learn to avoid the back-breaking plays. If he can play with more consistency (which you could say about half the guys in the NFL), the Jaguars have a real shot at winning the AFC South. Jonathan Taylor, who is recovering from “an ankle”, should be in line to start and handle his regular duties after practicing this week. The Jaguars’ defense should win this.
Prediction: 21-13 JAX (+2 JAX & Under 42)
Cincinnati Bengals @ New Orleans Saints
The NFL’s team slogan rivalry you didn’t know you needed to know. “The ‘Who Dey’ chant rose in popularity during the Bengals' 1981 season, while The Times-Picayune in New Orleans reports the Saints embraced ‘Who Dat’ in 1983. Still, both fan bases say their chant's origins go back even further” (WCPO). The winner decides the true origin and the loser can never use their phrase again, which fanbase says no first?
Prediction: 25-18 CIN (-1.5 CIN & Under 44)
San Francisco 49ers @ Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons are 5-0 against the spread this year and are home dogs to a team traveling across the country. Zagging on the 2001 outcome, one of the Atlanta Falcons’ towers catches the walk-off touchdown this go around.
Prediction: 21-14 ATL (+5.5 ATL & Under 43.5)
Minnesota Vikings @ Miami Dolphins
With both Tua and Teddy Bridgewater remaining in concussion protocol a rookie 7th-round QB, Skylar Thompson will make his first NFL career start. A full week as QB1 as practice with a creative offensive head coach paired with the most electrifying speed pair of WRs should lead to some Thompson improvement (who didn’t play great but was competent at times last week considering he was thrown in there after only 1 snap from Bridgewater). Even though Minnesota is quietly 4-1 and in first place in the NFC North, my hunch is this is one of those games that Viking fans will regret when they fall behind Green Bay in the standings later this year.
Prediction: 29-27 MIA (+3 MIA & Over 45)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Pittsburgh Steelers
After a rough Week 4 performance where Leonard Fournette rushed 3 times for -3 yards on the ground, the Bucs RB found paydirt twice in last week’s Tampa Bay victory. Steeler’s rookie QB, Kenny Pickett, threw for over 300 yards in his first start but the yards may have been deceiving as Pittsburgh got blown out early in Buffalo. The Black and Yellow are in the midst of a brutal stretch facing off with another Championship-level defense. For Steeler fans this may be odd to hear but at this point wins and losses are secondary, maybe focus on the Pickett and George Pickens connection (Pickens has caught 12 passes for 185 yards the last two weeks).
Prediction: 23-10 TB (-8.5 TB & Under 43.5)
New England Patriots @ Cleveland Browns
Let the Bailey Zappe vs. Mac Jones debates begin. Are we sure they are not the same person With Bailey Zappe leading the Patriots to a 29-0 win in his first career start, Bill Belichick and the Pats are now 5-0 with QBs drafted outside the 1st round making their debut start. The rest of the NFL is 30-80 since Belichick became HC of NE in 2000.
Prediction: 18-15 NE (+3 NE & Under 42.5)
4 PM Slate
Carolina Panthers @ Los Angeles Rams
Cooper Kupp has picked up right where he left off seeing an insane amount of targets. Something to monitor heading into Sunday is that he missed practice earlier in the week due to “a foot.” Several NFL execs believe that OBJ will run it back with them in LA, he is still a free agent and rehabbing back from his Super Bowl ACL tear. For Carolina this week, a new signal caller will be behind center with a new head coach on the sidelines as the team has fired Matt Rhule and Baker Mayfield has suffered a high-ankle sprain that will sideline him for multiple weeks. XFL legend, PJ Walker, will get the start at QB, and Charlotte native Steve Wilks will make his debut as the Panther’s interim head coach. Wouldn’t be surprised if Carolina tried some trickery, but in the end, McVay and Stafford will have more up their sleeve.
Prediction: 20-7 (-11 LAR & Under 41)
Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks
For anybody who has Kyler Murray in fantasy, from one league governor to another, feel for you - it’s been brutal. Feels like he’s only played well in about 3 of the Cardinals’ 21 quarters this year (remember the OT game against the Raiders). So far in 2022, Geno Smith has outplayed his predecessor by a wide margin, but this has to be one of those games where Murray and his $160 million guaranteed contract win it just by walking out of bed.
Prediction: 31-28 ARI (-2.5 ARI & Over 51)
Buffalo Bills @ Kansas City Chiefs
No disrespect to the only undefeated team in the NFL in Philly, but these are the two best teams in football in a rematch of the 2022 AFC Divisional Round matchup. Gabe Davis (no relation w/ me if you’re wondering) has scored 12 touchdowns in his last 11 games if you include playoff games - 4 of which came against the Chiefs last January. I’m thinking the Bills focus a ton on Travis Kelce and come out with a win in a shootout.
Prediction: 36-32 BUF (-2.5 BUF & Over 53.5)
Prime Time
Sunday Night Scaries
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles
Here is the list of NFL QBs to start their careers by winning 5 consecutive dating back to 1988 - Jeff Hostetler, Daunte Culpepper, Kurt Warner, Marc Bulger, Ben Roethlisberger, Jimmy Garoppolo, Patrick Mahomes, Kyle Allen, and Cooper Rush. In a weird way, Dak Prescott going down forced the Cowboys to scale back some of the playcalling and forced the defense to focus right out the gate. Now with Dak getting ready to ramp up his rehab process, in typical Dallas fashion controversy will ensue no matter how they handle the Rush-Prescott transition or lack thereof. The last time the Eagles were 5-0 was 2004 when they made it to the Super Bowl with Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens. Through 5 games McNabb had 1,377 passing yards, 9 Passing TDs, only 2 INTs, 42 rushing yards, and 2 Rushing TDs while Owens logged 487 yards on 30 catches with 6 TDs. Jalen Hurts so far has for 1,359 passing yards, 4 Passing TDs, only 2 INTs, 266 rushing yards, and 6 Rushing TDs while AJ Brown has logged 436 yards on 28 catches with 1 TD.
Prediction: 22-17 PHI (-4.5 PHI & Under 42)
Monday Night Football
Denver Broncos @ Los Angeles Chargers
Great another primetime Russell Wilson game where I’ll probably pass out watching 8 mins into the 1st quarter. The offseason All-Star team that had the 6th best odds to win the Super Bowl will route them.