Vigilante Sh!t | Team USA | Riff ‘Round Bases | Yankee Candle Roast
Alright @YouTheReader, I just gotta start with as a 28-year-old male, picking a 15-Second lyric clip for the Reel in a song where Taylor Swift goes spooky like this is terrifying.
Oh phew, the streets are saying this is about Scooter Braun and Kanye. All this time I thought she was mad at me for asking her out for a Pint of Guinness. Here Taylor is alluding that she gave an envelope to a wife of one of them containing documents of infidelity. Both Scooter and Kanye, long-time rivals of Taylor, got divorced in the past few years. “Thick as Thieves with your ex-wife” could be about Braun because he does own a part of the Gaming Organization 100 Thieves. Or it could be about Kanye because Kim K was gifted a Mercedes Benz by Kanye in ‘18. Where am I getting this info… it’s a summation of @RapGenius, they are all over this like TMZ.
For anybody not familiar with the beefs, Kanye stole Taylor Swift’s spotlight after she had just won her first VMA in ‘08 by infamously saying “Beyonce should have won.” Scooter Braun currently holds all of the rights to Miss Swift’s original version of her songs, which is why she is now re-releasing her older albums as (Taylor’s versions). Sorry @Swifites, just have to get the fellas reading up to speed.
These again seem to be in reference likely to Kayne West or Scooter Braun. I Googled “Scooter Braun cocaine” and no evidence came up. I didn’t even bother Googling drugs and Kanye. @Swifties this song came out in October why hasn’t anyone started digging up the dirt? Both of these guys get filed with lawsuits up the wazoo, but Scooter actually got filed with a “$200M Lawsuit Over Failed Private Equity Fund”, according to Forbes.
Wow, I too am on my vigilante sh!t again. (See Yankee Candle Roast.)
Team USA
For the United States, the ‘23 FIFA Women’s World Cup starts this time next month on July 21st. Team USA’s roster was announced earlier this week. Since hockey&basketball have wrapped up, baseball not being for everyone, and football still being a bit of aways away; I figured spending the next month’s Saturdays doing some write-ups on the women could get you and I up to speed on the #1 Ranked Soccer team in the world. There are 23 roster spots, so today kicks off with their 6 forwards.
Alex Morgan is originally from San Dimas, California. The World Cup ‘23 will be Alex Morgan’s 4th appearance in the world stage tournament. She ranks in the top 10 in USWNT history in goals, assists, and multi-goal games. Twice Morgan has been named U.S. Soccer’s Female Athlete of the Year (2012, 2018). She has the most career international goals on the current team. The lefty striker score from either foot and is for sure one of the most popular players on the team. Taylor Swift actually announced to Alex Morgan that she made USWNT and it seems the two 1989ers are friends.
Megan Rapinoe is originally from Redding, California. This is also her 4th World Cup appearance. The ‘19 Year was legendary as she won both the Golden Ball, and Golden Boot at the World Cup, plus The Best FIFA Women's Player of the Year. The GIF above is actually from ‘11 when she put a perfectly placed cross on the head of Abbey Wambach in OT of a quarterfinal World Cup match. During the ‘21 Olympics, she became the first player in USWNT history to have multiple multi-goal games at the Olympics. Rapinoe’s 199 international appearances make her one of the leaders on and off the pitch.
Lynn Williams is originally from Fresno, California. She is now a New Yorker as she plays for Gotham FC. In her first appearance on the International stage, Williams scored a goal just 49 seconds into entering the game. The US will hope for some more instant offense out Williams will likely be coming off the bench next month. On her free time Williams hosts a podcasts “Snacks” with longtime club teammate and USWNT great Samantha Mewis.
Trinity Rodman is originally from Newport Beach, California. Her father is indeed Dennis Rodman. She is a young up-and-coming forward who after a ‘21 campaign in which she was named the NWSL Rookie of the Year and the U.S. Soccer Young Female Player of the Year, made it to the senior team USWNT in ‘22. Rodman is the author of a children’s book called “Wake Up and Kick It” and her favorite superhero is her mom.
Sophia Smith is originally from Windsor, Colorado. I was beginning to think you had to be from California to play offense on the team. Smith got called up to the Senior level of the USWNT camp at only 16 years of age in ‘17. She became the first player born in the ‘00s to make the squad. Sophia Smith scored 11 goals in the calendar year of ‘22 for USWNT, this made her the ‘22 BioSteel U.S. Soccer Female Player of the Year. Smith was the #1 overall pick in the ‘20 National Women’s Soccer League Draft. She enjoys reading, spending time with family, and interior design.
Alyssa Thompson is the kid on the team and she is from Studio City, California. Thompson became the first high school-aged player and youngest draft pick in NWSL history when she went No. 1 overall in the ‘23 NWSL Draft to Angel City FC at the age of 18. She just made her debut on the international stage this past October, making her the 70th American teenager in USWNT history to earn a cap. She got her first start on April 11, ‘23 against the Republic of Ireland, becoming the first teenager to start a match for the USWNT since ‘18.
Riff ‘Round The Bases
The Rays have the best record in baseball and their ace, Shane McClanahan, is a major reason why. His 11 wins and 2.33 ERA lead in baseball which puts him as the favorite for AL CY Young. McClanahan has a back but should avoid the IL. The Orioles’ Adley Rutschman is likely headed to the All-Star Game for the first time. He walks more than he strikes out, hits to all fields, and has 10 homers. Yankee Candle Roast is below, Aaron Judge has a torn toe so their season is basically over. Bo Bichette is hitting .316 with 14 homers and should make the All-Star team. The Red Sox are winning baseball games on the back of Justin Turner, I’m sure the 38-year-old will be a massive part of the team’s future.
I have no idea how the Minnesota Twins are in 1st Place in an MLB Division, other than the fact that the AL Central is awful. Their top 4 RBI leaders (Carlos Correa, Trevor Larnach, Byron Buxton, and Joey Gallo) are combined for .206 batting average. I would not be surprised if the Guardians overtake the Twins at some point in the 2nd half, but all they really do is put the ball in play which brings tears of joy to Bob Costas. The Tigers are once again dreadful. They have a guy named Nick Matton who plays 3rd base and is hitting .155 for the season, they have a kid named Justyn-Henry Malloy who they should call up in his place at the hot corner. The White Sox Lucas Giolito and his 3.41 ERA should be on the move by the trade deadline. Salvy Perez is still trucking with the Royals, hitting 15 homers and batting .270, but they too will be sellers. Look for Kansas City to move Aroldis Champman.
Corey Seager of the Rangers is hitting .356 with 10 homers after missing about a month. The Rangers also have had strong performances from Nathan Eovaldi who currently holds a 2.80 ERA. The reigning World Series Champions are without Yordan Alvarez but still have Framber Valdez and his 2.27 ERA. Shohei Ohtani leads the MLB in homers with 25 and is pitching to a 3.13 ERA, but the rest of the Angels still stink. Mike Trout is batting only .250, which is something to watch since he hasn’t hit below .280 since he was a teenager. Seattle will be hosting the MLB All-Star game this year and Julio Rodriguez has committed to participating in the Home Run Derby. The A’s are trying to lose ball games as their owners are trying to move them to Las Vegas. Long-time Athletics fan, Tom Hanks, said of the owners, “Damn them all to hell.” At least they have a CF named Esteruy Ruiz who leads the MLB in steals with 39.
Ronald Acuna Jr. leads the MLB in runs scored with 66. He’s swiped 33 bases thus far while hitting .329 with 16 homers. Luis Arraez for the Marlins is hitting .402 with a .452 on-base. We’ll see if he can keep it up, screw the analytics nerds who say hits don’t matter. Bryson Stott with the Phillies is having a breakout season hitting .295 for the year. The Mets, much like the Yanks, have a ton of old veterans who seem to either be washed or underperforming. The Nationals have a DH named Joey Meneses who hits the ball around the field hitting .290 and enjoying a breakout season at 31 years old.
The Reds are the most fun team to watch in baseball as they are on a 12-game win streak. They have a star-in-the-making rookie 3B, Elly De La Cruz, who in just 15 games is hitting .361 with 3 dingers and he even already hit for the cycle. He joined Mike Trout as the only player in MLB history to hit for the cycle and get a steal in the same game. The Brewers’ closer, Devin Williams, has a 1.82 ERA with 13 saves. Marcus Stroman has figured it out again in Chicago, pitching to a 2.28 ERA and 9-4 record. The Pirates have lost 9 of their last 10 after looking like they might be contenders, very sad. The Cardinals stink for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.
The Diamondbacks’ rookie, Corbin Carroll, is blossoming with 16 homers and 23 steals. Carroll has some real wheels. The Giants are the 2nd hottest team in baseball and are back in the mix of playoff contention. Unfortunately, they just lost Mike Yastrzemski to a hamstring. The Dodgers must be shaken that they aren’t in 1st place. The Padres Juan Soto delayed the 9th inning of a game this week in San Francisco because he didn’t take the field, he was defintiely going #2. The Rockies have a catcher named Elias Diaz who at 32 years old should be traded in their rebuilding effort, he is hitting over .290 out of nowhere.
Yankee Candle Roast
I just want to preface by saying, these guys below are all professional athletes of 99.99999% in the world. That said, I’ve been a Yankee fan way before the guys on the team and I’ll be a Yankee fan way after these guys are gone. Fans like myself and many @YouTheReaders are why these guys make generational wealth. Baseball is a longggg season with ups and downs so I really try to withhold criticism because who wants to read a bunch of negative stuff, but the product on the field at the moment has been uninspiring. This roast is inspired by Taylor Swift’s Vigilante Sh!t, somebody has got to light a fire under these bums.
Brian Cashman: His daddy was friends with Hal’s daddy so because of this he just gets to run the most storied franchise in American sports for 4 decades. What a fecking joke.
Aaron Boone: What grown-ass man of a manager lets his players call him “Boonie.” That should have been the first red flag that I picked up on years ago. Derek Jeter famously only called Joe Torre “Mr. Torre”. I don’t care how many times this guy gets ejected and puts on this tough guy manager front, when the going gets tough he looks like a nervous meerkat peeping out of a dugout hole. I know I’ve said that before but I’m bringing it back. Boone was a Yankee for 5 mins before he was hired. They really tried selling Yankee fans on the ‘03 walk-off as if we forgot that he didn’t really do much other than drill a 50 mph knuckle-ball that didn’t move. Cashman only hired him because he knew he’d have control over him after Joe Girardi. Get him out.
Josh Donaldson: What a bum. Absolute shell of himself. Donaldson used to play with an edge that was borderline asshole but it was understood because he was an overlooked fringe prospect turned MVP. Now he’s just an asshole. Get him out.
Giancarlo Stanton: I’m done placating to the fancy name. How about you start playing like a Mike, since Giancarlo or “G” clearly ain’t cutting it? This Greek God figure can’t even jog down the first base line without coming up limp. He is set to get paid $170 million from now until ‘27 and has already made $150 million, I think he can take it.
Gleyber Torres: I better be careful critiquing Gleybaby, he’d be the type to block me and then pout about it. This dude hits .250 and a homer run every 2 weeks. Every time this guy hits one in the Bronx he sarcastically asks the fans to boo him. He’s been our clean-up hitter for the last month and on a good team, he should be batting 7th or 8th. Are the Yankees really going to pay this guy after ‘24? Might as well get him out.
Luis Severino: Was always a big fan of Sevy, but this is probably his last year in the Bronx so we might as well get real. Sevy getting injured every year and being ineffective when he does pitch is a MASSIVE reason the Yanks haven’t won a World Series since I was a freshman in high school. This guy was supposed to be our ace. Now he should probably be stuck in the bullpen. He clearly doesn’t have it anymore. Also, I just want to say I would love nothing more than if he goes out there today and pitches a gem.
DJLM: For chrissake somebody re-wire this AI dude back to normal, he’s currently on factory settings.
IKF: I don’t have anything bad to say about IKF. The only thing that bothers me is all the media fawning he’s been getting because he’s willing to play anywhere in order to get playing time. Uhhh, yeah he’s a .230 utility guy with no power. Are we really praising athletes making millions for this type of “selfishness” now? If we’re being real, if the Yanks had a whole team full of IKFs they’d maybe win 65 games. That’s on Cashman.
Higgy: It might be time to get him out. Seems like a very nice guy and he’s had his solid backup catcher moments but bring up Austin Wells for offense.
Harrison Bader: Please for the love of God, stay healthy for once.
Anthony Rizzo: Walk into the locker room with a sledgehammer and just start destroying sh!t. If you have to do that wearing golden underwear a la Giambi go for it, I heard what you did in Chicago. Listen what you guys do in the locker room behind closed doors is none of the fans’ business. Get the boys igniting brawls. Yes, Week to Week Notes unabashedly promotes this sort of physical violence, it’s part of the game.
Anthony Volpe: Our sweet prince, whatever the hell the MLB coaches or the analytics dudes are telling you to do, do the opposite. You were a diehard Yankee fan just like 5 minutes ago so you know how incompetent “Boonie” & Co are. Get on base, wear some pitches, and spike a dude. Follow Rizzo’s lead while Judge is out.
Great I’m going to come across like a massive asshole myself, whatever. This Yankee team has a window with a ton of these veterans who are getting paid handsomely and are underperforming. If half of these guys actually played to the back of their baseball card this team wouldn’t be an absolute mess anytime Aaron Judge is out, which is now apparently going to be a while with a torn ligament in his toe. None of what was written is going to do anything and we all know nothing is going to change as long as Hal is profiting, which of course they are - top in attendance in the AL once again.